how quickly it hits the fan

Someday, after undergoing extensive psychotherapy and being completely cured of all propensity towards depression, I want to write about the experience calmly and rationally. Because it is very strange to be so inclined to rationalize everything all the time and then have these episodes where you are in a funk and you just can't get out, no matter what bit of logic you dig up to make sense of things. I'm much less likely to completely crash and burn, but I do feel like a different person right now. One without hope, joy, expectations, or the ability to successfully take care of herself.

Person I Am Interested In has been a huge help, thus becoming Best Person of 2009. Somehow, P.I.A.I.I. (Pia, for short) knows exactly what to say, and exactly how to respond to the admittedly shitty things that I sometimes say... It's a markedly different experience than, for example, being consoled (QUESTION MARK?) by Ex Boyfriend. And a breath of fresh air.

Anyway tomorrow is my first interview for a graduate program, and I'm more nervous about what I'm going to wear than about meeting people. I'm shallow like that.

re: grad school

... I feel hopelessly naive about this entire process.

It all boils down to pheromones.

Scientists in Michigan have discovered that male sex pheromones can be used to bait and trap ovulating female sea lampreys, thus facilitating the removal of these pesky animals from the Great Lakes. I am very amused by this quote from the BBC on the topic:

"There's been extensive study of pheromones in animals and even in humans," said lead researcher Weiming Li from Michigan State University in East Lansing, US... "Most researchers have presumed that as animals get more complex, their behaviour is regulated in a more complex way, not by just one pheromone [but they were wrong in this case]," he told BBC News.

...and its implicit message about human behavior.

"i love you!" "that's wonderful! now go love some more"

It's not uncommon that I haven't seen whatever movie you're going to be shocked I haven't seen. This past year marked my initial viewing of The Goonies and A Christmas Story, for example.

With that in mind, I saw Harold and Maude for the first time last night.

... And I loved it.

I'll spare you the same old tired reviews. Instead, I'll tell you what this movie did.

This movie made me get out my violin (which I've been avoiding because it reminds me of bad past relationships) and play. And remember that I can play, and enjoy playing. That hitting the wrong note is okay. That my fingers are nimble. That swaying back and forth to keep rhythm is fine. That having calluses on my fingertips is satisfying...

This movie made me dream about playing tennis. I remembered how it feels to bend my knees, with wrists held loosely in preparation... To spring load, and throw my weight behind a return-of-serve backhand down the line. I remembered the rush from a shot well placed... A plan successfully executed...

Granted, this movie probably couldn't have been watched and as well received at just any time. It's like the movie found its way to me serendipitously... Which is sort of true. I didn't request it. Netflix accidentally sent it to the apartment--- a movie on my long-since held account's queue. Did I travel forward in time and put Harold and Maude at the top, knowing that it would arrive right when I needed to see it?

Ok, probably not. I don't really care. All I know is that I have an hour of court time scheduled tonight to play tennis (I've been avoiding my racquet because I last used it when I tore my hamstring). And that maybe I don't have to hate myself all the time for liking what I like. And that if any of those things end up hurting, that's ok, too.

I can handle it.